15 Reasons to be Grateful

My last blog was a little on the dark side due to my current low mood and sleep deprivation ~ I don't like lingering on the dark and serious.

SO, I have decided to give myself a shake and remember those things that I am grateful for in my life, to remember that I know who I really am and must keep that in mind when the demons visit.

So, what are my reasons to be grateful? In no particular order...

1. I have a great, all be it slightly off centre, family. They ensure life is never boring as we lurch from one challenge to the next but at the end of the day we are all there for each other which is something I will be eternally grateful for.
2. I still have my own teeth. This is very important to me and I am fortunate that they seem to be pretty strong and sturdy although not particularly white or sparkling (but then I wouldn't want to make people turn away from their glare, so that's fine) they may be a little on the sensitive side with the hot or cold but all in all they do a damn fine job.
3. I have good skin. We have a theory that due to having some timber on my frame the few *cough* extra pounds help push out the crinkles leaving it pretty smooth which is great.
4. If I fall down I can bounce back up, I am learning, finally, to love the person I am physically and moving away from constantly criticising and pulling myself apart. Whilst not advocating being overweight, until I reach the point in my life when the weight decides to come off I am focusing on loving the person I am and finding the positives in that, plus there has to be something said for inbuilt air bags.
5. I have my complete Terry Pratchett book collection. Also I ensure I pre-order anything new which is due to come out. I treasure these books which I read and re-read over and over again, this writer always makes me laugh out loud when reading his fiction and makes me think when I read his more serious works. I am gutted to hear about his Alzheimer's but so very grateful for the work he has and is continuing to do while he can.
6. I have use of all of my senses. Although as I grow older some are becoming weaker than once they were they are all still intact and enabling me to enjoy life to the fullest. Sometimes however, with flatulent dogs it would be great to have a dimmer switch on the sense of smell!
7. We have enough money to live and keep the roof over our heads. We may not have exotic holidays, our sofa is popping at the seams and held together in some areas by brown parcel tape (as it blends better with the brown sofa), we have damp peeling ceilings where the shower keeps leaking through and the carpet is more of a stain montage than original carpet colour - but  it's ours and it's home.
8. Cake. Life is always good when there is cake!
9. Being able to go to our caravan in Filey and sitting on the beach, watching the waves no matter what the season  Just one of my all-time favourite things.
10. Good friends. I have met some fabulous people throughout my life and whether physically in my life or via the virtual world I have made some strong connections with some truly inspirational and wonderful people, your friendship is deeply treasured ~ thank you for being in my life.
11. Coffee ~ without you I would not be able to move in a morning, you kick me up the butt and help start my spluttering engine.
12. The internet. Where would I be without it? It links me to my work, my friends, my family, information, music. It provides me girls with a lifeline when they are too sick to get out of bed, it enables my daughter to attend virtual school. It is a family life-line in so many ways.
13. My husband. I have known him now for 41 of my 45 years on this planet, he knows everything there is to know about me and yet still stays with me, you got to admire him for that and I am always going to be grateful to him for the friendship, love, support and partnership he provides.
14. Life ~ I am still here; I get to fight another day, to whinge, whine or get off my butt and do something that matters. I am grateful for the fact that my body has carried me this far, it is stronger that I give it credit for and its appearance is a testimony to the journey we have undergone together. I am determined to make it count, to use it to do something worthwhile.
15.  My 4 year old i-phone 4. I never thought I would be saying this, but I feel seriously naked without it ~ before owning it I thought mobiles were just for making phone calls, it has now become my much relied upon pocket organiser.

I think this is a great exercise, whenever you feel life isn't doing you any favours to look hard and see how much you truly have to be grateful for.

~ Blessed Be ~

x~X~x

Demons

This blog is not about asking for sympathy or pity but to get people talking about mental health issues, sharing their stories, seeking help from others who have been in a similar situation and hoping to possibly offer help to others too.

Those of you familiar with my blogs are aware that I wear my heart on my sleeve, am open about my life and the issues we face within our family (with permission of those involved) and how we react to them. I am always open to new ideas, different ways of thinking and other peoples opinions and thoughts. I may not agree with all of them but where possible I have tried and will continue to try different ways of dealing with my issues to see if I can find a solution that fits and works for me.

My family and friends are incredibly important to me, I am a self admitted control freak, slightly OCD and hate any changes in routine or events which are out of my control. This possibly is why I am so wired and can't get my brain to power down, I'm constantly fretting and worrying about how I can make things better, the eternal "fixer" mentality without the know how to actually do it. I find it incredibly hard to accept that in life there are times when you can't "fix" something, you have to accept it, deal with it and move on as best you can. I am also admittedly pretty antisocial and seem to be becoming more so with each passing year.  However, I am grateful to those who have stuck by me and continue to do so, even when I can be difficult to love on occasion.

I suppose it is apt that my demons are haunting me as we approach Halloween, although I wish they would pass as swiftly as this holiday does too. I have been told by those close to me that I am unapproachable at times, they are scared to ask me for help in case I explode or go off on one at them ~ not pleasant to hear but shows that I've gone back into the pit.

I feel torn, my depression has been with me on and off for decades and is lodged within me like a unwanted friend, not wanting to stay dormant for any length of time it is eager to stay and whisper cruel jibes into my ear, letting me know my worthlessness, how poorly I am performing in life and how much I am letting down those I love.

To add onto that I am still gripped within the clutches of my other enemy insomnia, its visitation is unwanted and tortuous. I go to bed exhausted but unable to sleep, my body wired as if I have consumed huge volumes of red bull. I get out of bed in the morning with difficulty and struggle to get through the day. I am tetchy, emotional, aggressive at times and unable to cope with small daily tasks without feel overwhelmed by it all.

My dilemma? I am not responsive to sleeping medications; I have tried a whole host of varying forms of sedatives with no result. The only medication that has helped me is a single anti-depressant; I am hugely limited to which medications I can take as I tend to have reactions to them. However, even the smallest dosage causes me to become dislocated from life and zombified by keeping me in a drug induced stupor which makes everyday life difficult ~ the only way to describe it is that it is like walking in treacle whilst trying to squint and see my way through dense fog. I wish I didn't react this way and could take the anti-depressants and feel benefits without these side effects like many other people are able to do. I am a huge advocate of taking medication if it benefits you and know many close to me who have gone via this route and been helped enormously by taking them. Unfortunately this isn't a clear option for me without considering the side-effects which I know will occur.

I have tried meditation, self-hypnosis, white noise, varying sleep tapes along with the sleeping tablets, changes in diet, exercise all of which make no difference whatsoever.

I cannot change the issues within my life which causes my depression to flare; our home situation is not that of a normal family as we live with mental health issues along with chronic illness. Financially we are holding our own but it is tight, we have to budget carefully which is an added stress, although frustratingly people on the outside think we have far more money than we have in reality.

So, how am I to deal with my demons ~ I am soul searching and wondering what to do. Do I take the antidepressants as the only alternative we can think of which has any effect? I don't know, I would rather find an alternative way to be able to sleep and deal with my depression but if I can't then that is my last resort.

I have discovered that chronic insomnia is also very often partnered with depression, so at least I am not alone in this, According to Psychology Today, "Insomnia and depression often go hand-in-hand. Although just 15% of people with depression sleep too much, as many as 80% have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. Patients with persistent insomnia are more than three times more likely to develop depression".

Interestingly enough, contrary to what was previously thought, that insomnia was a symptom of depression, some therapists believe that is not so, "new research shows that insomnia is not just a symptom of depression. What we’ve come to understand is that insomnia and depression are two distinct but overlapping disorders.”

Unfortunately, people with chronic insomnia are more likely to suffer recurring bouts of depression, it not only triggers it but perpetuate it too. Apparently combining sleep medication with anti-depressants will help and then combine that with CBT sleep psychotherapy many sufferers can be helped. However, I have just completed a cycle of psychotherapy and been discharged with no success in improving my insomnia or depression.

Another article I read on this subject about the combination of insomnia and depression feels that changing everyday behaviours may help

"Insomnia and depression are deeply interlinked, as are the brain areas involved in both - the information network is often similar. Both depression and insomnia can make the other worse. Fortunately simple life activities can be used to prevent both - and to treat them."

You can read what these daily behaviours are here. I shall be double checking this list as I mostly follow these rules, but will endeavour to ensure I am doing it correctly, to the letter, once more to see if it will help.

So, if I find something that is effective I will be sure to let you know, meantime if anyone suffers similar issues what have you found to help?

Hoping one day in the future to be able to throw off the two leeches’ insomnia and depression; to begin to feel human and live life to the full again without these two clinging on to me and dragging me back down.

~ Blessed Be ~

 x~X~x

We're cracked but not broken

Those who know me well understand I suffer from bouts of depression and am an all or nothing person which makes me not a particularly easy person to live with on top of that I am also a "fixer" and slight control freak.

However, I do my absolute best to do what I can to support and help my girls to achieve better health and stability.

To this end I go to one to one therapy via adult mental health services and also go via CAMHS for specific family therapy and support.

Also both myself and Dave have been assessed by our mental health team as they need to understand our flaws and issues to be better able to help the girls as it gives them the bigger picture and helps them see why we do what we do as parents and help us improve our interactions/decision making processes.

It has been noted that we are a unique family as each individual member has specific issues to deal with and these have a knock on effect on everyone else within the family unit ~ we have been told we are complicated and unlucky with what we have had to address over the years.

This makes us cracked, definitely, but absolutely not broken.

The girls have had chronic illness & issues since childhood, Tara her bowels, Tasha her chest and Keisha her social problems then in later years ME, anxiety and depression, which means we have been to so many meetings, seen so many medical professionals and had so many plans of treatment/action over the years that it is easy to become disillusioned with the system.

However, this time around, after yesterdays team review meeting for all three girls it has to be said we are feeling more positive than ever before.

We have been incredibly fortunate after our previous years of searching for the right people to work and establish a bond of trust and understanding with, to have been linked with our allocated CAMHS team of family workers, therapists and psychiatrist.  Together with their help we have since been referred to an Occupational Therapist who is specialised in helping with our daughters issues, along with a Paediatric Consultant within the NHS (so no more huge private doctor bills) who is open to working with the rest of the team to provide a cohesive holistic care plan for them. Our dietitian referral has gone through and our appointment is for the end of the month, which means we will meet and have another team member on board then too.

In addition to our hospital team we also have our wonderful osteopath who is now also considered a friend, we trust her and value her advice and support and quite frankly wouldn't be without her.

Tasha also has her fortnightly visits with her peer mentor who is also invaluable and Tara has just started with her Nisai virtual education, the staff at this online school are geared up to working with children with ME ~ which is a huge relief and means we don't have to push to gain their understanding as it is already there for us.

M.E. and mental health issues are a truly difficult illnesses to negotiate. It varies from sufferer to sufferer and the symptoms wax and wane and change continually. Some days can be truly horrific whilst others they can appear to the outside world to be perfectly "fit and well" ~ being "invisible" illnesses makes it, at times, very difficult to explain.

So, back to what I was saying ~ we had a review meeting yesterday with the team.

Our OT is going to meet with myself and the girls mid next week to discuss setting up their heart rate monitoring pacing schedule. It is a very slow, gentle, progressive regime to prevent the body being put under any stress and has had good successes with other teens.

Our CAMHS team are organising regular contact between professionals at all times and to that end they have each others email addresses, so will update the rest of the team after each encounter with the girls ~ this way everyone working with them is always 100% up to date with their progress/issues/problems which means we are always moving forward.

All the way through this we will be supported as a family via our family worker. and the girls via their one to one sessions. They will be helping us to address any emotional issues we may encounter along this journey together, chronic illness and mental health issues cause so many fractures and misunderstandings that mean it is incredibly important to work at maintaining clarity when emotions threaten to take over.

We have hopes and dreams for the girls and their future ~ we are focusing on Tara completing her 2 years of Nisai and then moving onto College to do her 4 one year modules to gain her media qualification.

Tasha is hoping to be fit enough to enrol in College to do a part-time art foundation course in September 2015 then after that follow some kind of tuition to explore her photography.

Keisha is applying for jobs whilst also writing and creating some unique and beautiful jewellery in her small workroom downstairs. She has managed to complete her 4 weeks of NCS and then went to the Leeds Festival, huge achievements and I am so proud of her at working towards beating her demons.

We have also been astounded by certain individuals, who despite having issues to address themselves have given unconditional support and friendship to us. I know those people know who they are and I just want to let them know how cherished they are.

So cracked, yes most definitely, but broken ~ never.

~ Blessed Be ~

x~X~x

Hatching Plans

Oooh isn't it a great feeling to hatch plans for a better future?

This week has been a very eventful one for us all round - in a sort of negative events resulting in positive planning process kind of a way.

Tasha is mentally and physically at rock bottom.  This is making everything she does very difficult and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel something she struggles to believe in.  We are adamant that we can turn this all around.

We realise that Tasha has very low energy resources and that we have to plan everything she does carefully into her OT pacing schedule to ensure that she doesn't drop down physically any further than she is already. So for this week coming all she has to do is;

a) get up and dressed before midday everyday
b) come downstairs for an hour every day round about late afternoon.
We also spoke via the phone to her psychiatrist about her sleep issues - she can fall asleep but is unable to stay that way and wakes up repeatedly throughout the night which is resulting in her becoming more exhausted day on day.  This in turn is impacting massively on her physical health and energy levels we also wonder if it is a contributing factor in her awfully low mood.  The suggested treatment for both of these is that the psychiatrist would like Tasha to consider switching from her prozac to mirtazapine (like me) as it has a sedative effect and so will help with her sleep.  The appointment to discuss this and get the necessary script will be on Monday morning - so not too long to wait at all.  Meanwhile we are still waiting for the CBT referral to provide a therapist but due to budget cuts and the number of therapists available we know this won't come through for her for several months yet.

Tara,has been very low in mood recently because her ME crash seems to be taking an age to recover from and she is also really fretting about her education and how impossible it seems for her to gain her Maths and English GCSE's going via the route we are currently on. To be honest, we hadn't fully appreciated how greatly this was affecting her and the stress of the worry, we feel, has been a huge contributor to her current crash and so we need to seriously address this.  We have also had word that the OT referral has gone through - our first appointment with her will be on 14th April and this will be to focus on pacing and finding ways in which to plan education into her recovery too.  The CBT referral, like Tasha, may well take some time to come through - so for both girls learning to try and control their anxiety and panic is tricky in the meantime.

Both myself and The Dave filled in our forms for therapy via our GP and we have appointments for 2pm this coming Monday - The Dave for CBT and myself for counselling sessions.  So everything does indeed seem to be falling into place *crosses fingers, eyes, toes, legs and hopes not to have tempted fate*.

So, hatching plans, I hear you ask (or do I?) - yes that is precisely what we are doing.

After chatting with the girls, Tasha and Tara both have very set ideas of what they would like to do with their futures.  Tasha wants do follow a photography course and Tara a media course - both held at the local College. The requirements for them to attend are to pass the Colleges interview and also to assess their work (so Tasha needs to build up a photographic and Tara a film portfolio to show them) AND to have both Maths and English GCSE's.

Now - due to their ME, accessing mainstream education has been impossible, they just don't have the energy to withstand going and attending these venues even on a reduced timetable.  This is mostly due to the many various stimuli that there are in these places, with the noise and crowds which are not only overwhelming when sensitive to sense over stimulation but also trigger their anxiety and panic - which drain their batteries very quickly.

SO - the clock is ticking and we are not gaining any ground even going via the hospital tuition at home/in the ward.  What do we do, where do we go from here?

Well, what we have done is sit with our heads together, with our calculators and finances and try and work out a cunning plan that will enable the girls to gain these precious Maths and English GCSE's and what did we come up wtih..... *insert drum roll and builds up the tension* NISAI Virtual Academy!

Yep, that is where we are now - we have spoken to the folk (who are incredibly helpful) about this and we are enrolling both girls to take the English iGCSE course, which is only a year in duration and then JUST Tasha to take the Maths GCSE course BUT for Tara attend the virtual lessons with her (as it is a two year course and follows along with Tara's peers in mainstream school).  Now it is NOT cheap by any means (which is why only Tasha is doing the virtual Maths course, as Tara will take the actual exam via the mainstream school), but after watching a virtual lesson and seeing how it works we are sold on it.

Plus Jane Colby (an ex- headteacher herself) of  TYMES Trust backs it wholeheartedly as a means of children with ME gaining qualifications. However, the reason we are not enrolling Tara to take the virtual Nisai course exam is because we are NOT removing her from the school roll at the secondary school she is registered with.  This is because, to save on costs, we want her to sit the actual exam in the school (so paid by them) but for her to take it in a classroom on her own, as Keisha did.  We are also hoping that by Year 11 Tara will be strong enough to attend the odd Maths lesson there amongst her peers (although still following the course via the Nisai virtual school alongside Tasha) and by staying on roll it will also enable her to join in with her friends at the school prom/photograph day too.

So - that is our cunning plan.

We will start the courses in September, so Tara will continue with her Medical tuition until then and both girls will be going through their work as and when their ME enables them so that they are ready and at the right place to start their courses.

The beauty of the Nisai approach is that the girls can sit on their laptops to attend their classes in their pj's and in bed if necessary with no make-up on or having to worry what they look like to others (as there is audio feed to their classmates but not a visual one). All the students choose an icon from a menu to represent themselves instead of a photograph - also the lessons are recorded and so they can save them to watch as many times as they wish (which when you suffer from brain fog is a really BIG plus) and also to revisit for revision purposes too.

So that, is as they say, that from me for this week.

This weekend I shall mostly be trying to snack on healthy foods (as a side effect of my tablets is stimulation of appetite - darn it!) and try NOT to eat chocolate & step away from the Banana Bread! This is because, in the words of the Fast Shows Jesse;

This week I 'ave mostly been eating Banana Bread!

Ho hum, mind you - next week I will no doubt be replacing Banana Bread with Bakewell pudding as I have faithfully promised to make one for Tara on Sunday ('tis a fabulous recipe and you use puff pastry instead of shortcrust - if you are REALLY lucky I may just share the recipe with you next week).

Anyhoo - this blog has been something of a rambling one and so I best cut it short and go and do something productive, whilst avoiding spilling, knocking and breaking things - if I were Worzel Gummidge today I would 'ave me clumsy head on!

Have a fabulous weekend all.

~ Blessed Be ~

 x~X~x

Turbulence

Turbulence: A state of conflict, confusion, agitation or disorder. 

I think that adequately describes the past few weeks.

Isn't it a funny old thing, life?  It keeps you on your toes, adds twists and turns to test you and keep you from becoming too complacent. 

It makes you realise now precious this gift is, life is to be treasured and respected. Don't squander it and let it pass you by unmarked because one day you may look back with regret and wish you had grasped the nettle, taken risks, followed your gut and heart and truly lived.

I am thankful that I feel so far I have managed to live a good and full life, that is not to say there isn't so much more I would like to do. December is and has been since my mum passed a month of memories of a wonderful vibrant life lost but which left those remaining with many memories to hold on to. Mum really did know how to live and make the most of life and fought bitterly to the very end to hold on to it too. 

The year, on mums birthday funnily enough, my husband had a heart attack right in front of my very eyes. To say it was something of a shock would be a mere understatement of the facts. It was horribly frightening for him, as he thought his number was up and also for me trying to help him and comfort him. I am enormously thankful that the girls were not downstairs but in bed at the time and so didn't witness what happened. 

As it turns out, with hindsight, it appears he has in actual fact suffered from two heart attacks, the first one was 10 days previous to the one I witnessed on the 6th December. It occurred whilst at a friends house down South ~ the paramedic at the time decided the episode was due to low blood pressure and dehydration. Not satisfied with that answer we visited our GP who decided it wasn't that at all but esophageal spasm, brought on by stress and excess acid, which could apparently mimic symptoms of heart attacks.  This answer seemed to make sense and so we were reassured and went home, although Dave continued to have chest pain and tingling down arms for a further three days.

So initially, when Dave started to get the pain again we thought, uh oh - another esophageal spasm, breathe through it and it will pass. 

Then, when Dave was writhing in pain and clutching at his chest, struggling hugely with the pressure on his chest and the tingling down his arms I decided to ring 999, this definitely didn't look right.  

The care that followed was incredible. I would like to give a huge shout out and thank you to each and every person along the chain who came to our assistance and made a very stressful time less so. From the woman on the telephone who answered my 999 call and was fabulous, she kept me talking until the paramedics and ambulance arrived ~ which was very swiftly. 

Our treatment from start to finish throughout all departments was amazing. The A&E team, Assessment Ward Team, Cardiac Ward and Cardiac Catheter Team, various porters & Dave's Consultant were all incredible, friendly, calm, reassuring, supportive and thorough. 

This hasn't stopped either ~ Dave had a call from a cardiac nurse after discharge to check everything was going well, he has twice weekly rehab group after Christmas in outpatients and Consultant appointment in the New Year too. PLUS a none emergency helpline for any advice or queries we may have. 

It is when you have to utilise the NHS like this that you fully appreciated how lucky you are to have access to this medical care. I would like to extend a grateful heartfelt thank you to each and every person we dealt with during this time.

Since coming home we have had to adjust and re-assess our lifestyle and work.  With no income currently coming in life is not easy, we are being frugal and tightening our belts to get through. Dave, sadly had to let his apprentice go as he can no longer supervise and provide a job for him. Instead we are having to look at his work (self-employed, own business) and adapt it so that he can continue within the new restrictions he has been given via the hospital once he is allowed to recommence work. 

For the moment his business is on hold ~ just dealing with phone calls at the moment explaining the situation and diverting work as it comes in or postponing it until we are up and running again. Yep - I said we, I am now donning the cap of Dave's assistant and general runner and when back at work Dave will be running it all from behind his desk, organising and delegating the work as the jobs come in. 

Other things have had to change too; diet ~ out goes fatty foods, salt and alcohol, in comes carbs, oily fish and wholegrain everything. A progressive gentle exercise regime and many medications added to the mix mean Dave is feeling quite unsettled at the moment but in the long run I think it will make a huge improvement to our lives. 

Cabin fever though, is starting to set in but taking Dave out for a drive isn't quite what he needs to reduce stress as he finds my driving frustrating to say the least. In the past he has only been a passenger of mine when inebriated. 4 weeks until he is able to drive again ~ I have a sneaky suspicion he is counting down the days.

So, December has thus far been rather a turbulent and emotional affair ~ however, looking forward to 2015 we hope that we can adapt and find ways forward to suit us as a family and keep our heads financially above water as well as emotionally and physically. The girls are emotionally and physically exhausted, ME doesn't respond well to emotional stress. We are hoping to have a drama free New Year and one where the girls and Dave can rest and heal and slowly build up their strength.

Thank you to friends and family who have sent such warm and supportive messages and to the few who took the time to ring or email us asking if we needed anything and that the offer of help and support was there just for the asking. Your offered strength and humour which has bolstered us and helped us get through the toughest days ~ you cannot know how much we appreciated that.

So until 2015, I wish you all a Merry Christmas 

and a very happy and healthy New Year.

~ Blessed Be ~

 x~X~x

Lifes Journey

Funny how middle age creeps up on you and before you know it you are on the other side of that line.

Yet, far from recoiling in horror from the whole ageing process, I find I am embracing it and welcoming the transition.

I remember when I was younger how old I thought people in their twenties were. Then as I grew older myself the boundaries were extended, some people I meet are somehow old before their time whilst others seem to be forever youthful.

I have come to the conclusion that you are literally only as old as you allow yourself to feel, it is a case of finding the right mindset. 

But what is middle age? middleage.org talks about how to decide about when it begins. They say in their definition essay about this subject that middle age is a situation and not a number, which I think I agree with.

I read an article which got my back up a little called "11 mistakes women make in middle age"  and this is a response to that particular article.

I don't consider getting older a drag or that middle age as a period of our life fraught with tension. I can assure you my younger life was equally fraught in different ways and so I have found the older I become the more at peace I am finding myself dealing with my life, challenges and situation.

Also, this article says middle age is a move into frumpy town, which is a ridiculous statement, in my opinion. So what are these "mistakes" the article says we are all making?

• Not realising we need to change
• Not spending enough on your clothes
• Comparing yourself to you in your 20's
• Skipping Exercise
• Not getting enough sleep.
• Ignoring your teeth
• Overdoing anti ageing efforts
• Thinking there are "hair" rules
• Using the wrong make-up
• Wearing the wrong bra
• Settling for a boring sex life

Now, I need to clarify, not all of this article wound me up ~ there are some valid points too. So I shall go through each point in turn.

"Not realising we need to change" ~ okay so some women wear the same make-up and clothes as when they were younger, but who is anyone to say this is wrong? I still wear jeans and trainers now as I did in my youth, I don't wear make-up so can't really pass comment on that. My opinion is that I dress for my own comfort, practicality and budget. I know some people (family included) despair at my penchant for man jumpers, comfy boots or trainers and jeans and refusal to dress in skirts, cardigans and smart boots to look more feminine. I choose to dress this way because I am happy to, I know that the jumpers are often shapeless but I don't care. I don't dress to impress other people ~ why should I? If there are special occasions then yes, I make an effort, more to please those around me than myself. But for everyday, forget it. In my humble opinion life is for living, for doing and not worrying about what other people think of what I am wearing, to be honest, I don't care.

"Not spending enough on your clothes" ~ really? I couldn't care less about spanx, lycra panels and butt boosting jeans. If they are in the sale then great why not try them on and see how you feel about wearing them but really, why should I squeeze and pin myself into panelled, spanx clothing just to make myself look more appealing to others? It feels to me reading this that to be larger is a social faux pas, so we must haul it in and try and confine it. Why? People come in all different shapes and sizes and so why not celebrate what you have. I can't bear being hemmed in by my clothes, it makes me feel claustrophobic and uncomfortable. I agree that buying good quality, well cut clothes is more expensive and for special occasions then yes, perhaps a worthwhile purchase. However, for everyday purposes, wear what you feel comfortable in and don't feel you have to conform just to please others, so long as you are happy and comfortable in your own choices then don't worry.

"Comparing yourself to you in your 20's" ~ nope, I don't do that. I look back at photos of myself and see my journey so far, I celebrate the changes and sometimes have a good laugh too at some of my hair style choices and fashion faux pas. I disagree that "few people look as attractive in middle age as they did in their younger years" I think that people grow into themselves, they evolve and change but not in a negative way. I celebrate the grey/white hairs, the lines appearing and the stretch marks. It shows I have lived and continue to do so. I think the goal is not to look as good as you can but do agree to be as healthy as you can. Focusing on health and well-being is great advice but not on focusing on looks, you are what you are, make peace with that.

"Skipping Exercise" ~ I think health is very important to focus on for us at all ages and that yes it is a consideration so that you don't become a vegetative couch potato. But I believe that you should only exercise within your limits, whether it be yoga, running, gym work, swimming or gentle regular walking and stretches. Too much exercise can be a negative, as with everything, it is finding a balance, to be doing it for the right reasons and properly.

"Not getting enough sleep" ~ I'm with them on this one! Oh, I dream of having a regular good nights sleep but suffering from insomnia, that just ain't gonna happen! BUT if you are lucky and can sleep, then I actually agree fully with this point ~ get  your kip and try not to burn the candle at both ends.

"Ignoring your teeth" ~ really? Does this need addressing at middle age? Surely we all should be taught at a tender young age how to maintain dental hygiene and this should just be part and parcel of everyday life for us all along with 6 monthly dental health checks with our dentist. Agreed that coffee and wine guzzling along with smoking habits can all add to yellowing and staining of the teeth, but those are choices you make ~ so if you worry about that then address what you put into your mouth!

"Overdoing anti ageing efforts" ~ this raised a smile, who is to judge you if you choose to have surgery or botox? Horses for courses, do what makes you feel better but only if that is what  you want to do for yourself, don't ever try and change yourself from someone else, that will never make you happy. I really don't care about wrinkles, greying hair and thickening waistline. Instead I celebrate still being here, that my ageing body is still allowing me to participate in life, the wrinkles, grey hairs, stretch marks, extra pounds are all signs that I have lived, I am proud of them, they are marks of my ongoing journey and I most definitely don't want to go back to being like I was as a teen or even in my twenties or thirties ~ each decade marks a new chapter of my life ~ I embrace it.

"Thinking there are "hair" rules" ~ they are right here, no rules apply. Have your hair the cut, colour and length you like. Heck, go rainbow if that's what floats your boat ~ life is too short to worry about what others think and have regrets about no doing something because others may not like it. Do what you want and what makes you feel good ~ I find how I wear my hair changes my mood. I love changing the colour if the mood takes me, cutting it very short or leaving it to grow. I go with whatever I feel at the time, currently I am growing out my very short hair into less short hair and out of curiosity I have dyed it to the colour of my roots and watching excitedly as the white & grey roots start to grow through. I may decide to dye it bright green in a few months times, who knows? But I will do it if I want to when I want to and for no other reason than that.

"Using the wrong make-up" ~ well, I can't comment on that seeing as I don't tend to wear make-up. However, if you have a look that you feel marks who you are then who am I to pass judgement. The girls did give me a make-over a few days ago as they were itching to try it on me, I appreciated them trying but I didn't feel like me with it on and so after having a few photos with it on I then removed it. I don't mind the occasional eye-liner and lip gloss but that's about my limit as I don't like the sensation of foundation or powder on my skin and the same goes for eye-shadows too.

"Wearing the wrong bra" ~ I don't think this is confined to any particular age, I see women walking around in bras which are far too small and can divide the breasts to give the four boob effect, whilst others have them hiked up right under their chin as if they are some deadly weapons ready to ping out and take an eye out if you get too close. Some women have loose bras meaning that their boobs hit their waistline, others migrate round the sides towards their back. Purely for comfort rather than style I think this is important and I myself go and also take my girls to be fitted each time new bras are needed, depending on weight and growth spurts the breasts can fluctuate in size quite dramatically. I don't know about you but I am deeply saddened that when I lose any weight the first place it drops from are my breasts, I mean honestly, life has to play these tricks ~ I'd much rather have the weight go from my thighs and stay on my chest thank you very much - but hey ho!

"Settling for a boring sex life" ~ Sex should be for fun and enjoyment, this applies to all ages, the sex of your older years may not be as gymnastic as that of your youth but I agree, young doesn't equal sexy. Feeling confident in your own body and knowing what you want can make you much sexier. Just go for it (be stay safe!).

So, middle age how do you perceive it, good, bad, indifferent?

Some days I feel ancient, like I am trapped inside the body of a frail, infirm 90 year old lady, with the aches and pains, lack of energy and brain power to match. These are the days I think back to my younger, fitter, agile self and lament my bodies misbehaviour.

Other days I am positively full of energy, brimming with laughter, ready to explode into hysterics at the slightest provocation, I feel light as if I am pumped full of air and not a care in the world and in the mood to create childish mischief. I feel youthful and carefree, almost to the point of forgetting how many years I have lived.

It is definitely, for me, a case of mind over matter. If I am melancholy I feel older, greyer, diminished somehow. When I am in a positive frame of mind I feel lighter, happier, more youthful ~ I somehow imagine when I look in the mirror the sparkly eyed, fresh faced youthful me will be reflected.

Yet when I see the reflection spookily similar to my mothers looking back at me instead of feeling gloomy I find it doesn't phase me. Instead I stop, smile back at my reflection and remember my mum, how much she loved and lived life to the full. Her laughter, her sense of fun, her infectious way of drawing you into being part of it too. I feel glad to have that link to her, glad that I look so much like her and feel a connection via my reflection to that lost part of my life and it brings me comfort not pain.

I suppose though, being honest there are some negatives to growing older ~  these can't be avoided forever. I have noticed over the years that my eyesight is not as good as it was, every year when I attend my free annual eye health check (parent with Glaucoma) I am given a new stronger prescription for my glasses. I cannot read any food packaging label or medication information on those small bottles without my glasses ~ in fact any fine print is just a blur and regular words on screen or books require my glasses to be brought into focus. I find my energy is not as abundant and my health as robust as it once was,

I need to rest more, take care of myself and plan my day. BUT with this comes a clarity and appreciation for the smaller things in life, I notice the beauty of my surroundings, the joy of the seasons, the sounds and smells of life around me. Things that passed my by in my youth, were taken for granted and not appreciated are now noted by my older self.

I am inexplicably thrilled at the sight of emerging white hairs coming through in my roots now I have stopped dying my hair. I can't wait for it to grow longer so that I can see more clearly how many I have, it's a stamp of my age, of having come this far and how lucky I am to still be here. I may dye it in the future but then again I may not. For now though I am having too much fun looking for them and celebrating each new addition.

Lifes journey isn't an easy one, some people are luckier than others. Some have more than their fair share of trauma, ill health, bad luck and hardship whilst others seem to be blessed with luck, fortune and good health. I have friends and family who have been through so much and life seems to enjoy repeatedly kicking them when they are down, others seem to sail above it untouched. Why is that?

Perhaps all is not what it may seem ~ those who sail above may be dealing with hidden traumas unknown to others. Those who are suffering may also be in receipt of love and compassion that their so called luckier counterparts have never received. I choose to always seek the silver lining to every dark moment, find the lesson that is there for us to learn and do what I can to move through it until brighter times can be found again.

My life has been a tumultuous journey, I have made many mistakes but refuse to regret them because it is through making those mistakes that I was able to learn and grow.

I think the hardest challenge I am facing is parenthood. Our children are hugely loved but there is no guidebook to how to bring up your off-spring and navigate the humps in the road fate keeps putting in our way. I am very sad that the girls are having to live with chronic illness plus mental issues and how it has affected their lives. I wish they could have had the carefree healthy childhood I was privileged to have been given.

Life has its own design, I haven't been allowed to participate in its planning but hope that both myself and Dave, together, are doing the best we possibly can with the challenges we are being given. I am so  hugely proud of the girls, how they take on these challenges, they are mature beyond their years, they know isolation, pain, loss, sadness  and many limitations but it is helping them to grow into amazing young women with empathy for others, wisdom and strength to face the next hurdle and teaching us as their parents so much in return.

So, for me middle age is just a phase within my lifes journey, if I look back I realise I have achieved so much already. I am only 45 years into this journey and hope that fate allows me many more years to explore what else it has to offer me.

I have plans, dreams and hopes I wish to see to fruition. I hope I am blessed with so much more but because no-one knows when their journey is going to end I feel very strongly that it is important to seize each and every day, every  moment and relish it, make the most of every opportunity offered to you and take risks.

Stop worrying about what other people think of you, accept yourself, learn to love yourself and do what feeds your soul. Don't ever get to a point where you stop and look back at your life with regret, wishing you had made other choices, accepted challenges. I now say no if I don't want to do something and don't feel guilty about it. I have stopped trying to please others all the time, let's face it, some people no matter what you do simply can't be pleased.

It may be used frequently all over the internet, on cute inspirational pictures which are often shared, but perhaps that's because it's true. If there are any rules to follow in this life then just consider these three.

Live in the moment, enjoy what you have, don't covet what others have.

Love madly, passionately, widely. Love your friends, family, strangers, animals, the planet - appreciate what is around you.

Laugh as much as you can, take every drop of joy and happiness that you can. When I am sad I purposely sit and make myself laugh out loud, it starts as being forced and before you know it you are genuinely laughing and boy does it make you feel better too.

Gone are my days of worrying about my weight, how I look, if I am pleasing others. It has taken me 45 years to learn a very simple lesson but learn to love yourself for who and what you are and everything else just falls into place.

You find clarity of mind, a sense of being and purpose. I know who I am and I know what I want from life.

I navigate my remain journey with the skills my life so far has given me and use them to the best of my ability. I know I will continue to make mistakes and learn from them right up until the day I take my last breath, but that is part of the magic of our life journey, to see where it takes us and what it will teach us both good and bad.

Happy travels folks.

~ Blessed Be ~

x~X~x

Goodbye Summer, Hello Autumn

Good morning all, is it just me or does it feel as if Summer has waved goodbye and Autumn has stepped forward to take its place?

I've had to resort to wearing jumpers and boots over the past few days and am seriously considering bringing the duvet out of it's slumber and slinging it back on the bed ~ time to pack away summer bed and bring out the winter coverings.

One discovery I have made though is the joy of a soft jersey skirt for the more comely (as we call it in our home) figure ~ I had never dreamt that this item of clothing could afford such comfort, it's quite the revelation, so obviously I bought myself two (one in dark grey, the other in black), I also found a wonderfully comfortable ankle length flared denim skirt too ~ so that brings my new skirt collection up to 3 ~ Tara, my love, what on earth have you started? 

So, although my fondness for wearing jeans, trainers and hoodies is still very much my usual daily attire due to it's practicality when living with 3 dogs, I have decided to occasionally enjoy the freedom of skirt wearing too.  

I must say, it feels really rather odd to wear and I feel strangely self conscious when out and keep expecting someone to stop me and ask me what I think I am doing going out dressed in a skirt which I know is bizarre.

I have also added two more kaftans to my collection, two very soft jersey ones which I love to wear around the house, my husband keeps sniggering at me and asking me when I will be buying the head-wrap to go with them as he feels I am emulating Margo from The Good Life (cheeky).

Yesterday I had my first ever "live" classroom experience via Nisai Virtial Academy for the parental tour and to then fill in the online registration form for Tara. The lady who gave me the tour was lovely, friendly with a great sense of humour, you could hear the smile in her voice which bodes well for Taras new academic journey. 

The virtual classroom is easy to navigate and has two interactive boxes, one where the pupil can privately talk to the teacher to ask any questions without their peers knowing and the other box where the pupil can chat with their peers and teacher alike throughout the lesson.  The microphone is controlled by the tutor who will pass it over to the pupils if they wish to answer a question and speak to the class (they click on an icon to put their hands up) but if they are shy they can opt to type in the box instead of speaking. 

All lessons are recorded and stored for a year for that students to watch over as much as they like and use for revision purposes too. There is also another part of the site where students can hang out and chat together and join clubs. It is entirely safe as the email addresses given to the students to use can only be used within the Nisai Academy and student areas. 

I did have some trouble submitting my registration for Tara though because we are paying privately we have to source our own exam centre, and as Tara has ME we are needing a home invigilator so that she can take her exams at home.  As yet I have no clue how to organise this and the lovely folk at Nisai have assured me that they teach many children with ME who choose this option and they will help me sort this out BUT the registration wouldn't go through which had me pulling my hair out because of this.

However, problem soon solved after I contacted my on-line tour guide who managed to put it through from her end and we will complete that one section at a later date *phew* ~ so Taras headset will be on its way today, we are having our connectivity test on Friday of this week (as we are having new broadband installed on Thursday) and then she will have her induction on Monday 1st September, classes start on Wednesday 3rd September. 

This is enormously exciting as Tara will be "in school" for the first time in almost 5 years and taking two GCSE courses.

On Wednesday, as a final holiday treat, we are taking Tasha and Tara to West Midlands Safari Park as a belated birthday present for them both. Unfortunately earlier this year both girls were unable to fully enjoy their birthdays due to being too unwell and we promised as soon as we could to take them out for the day. Keisha and her boyfriend will stay at home and dog sit for us as they will be packing and preparing for their trip to Leeds Festival on Thursday morning. 

I am very impressed with the Safari Park as I rang up to book tickets and was told to do it all on-line instead to get the 10% discount on all tickets, then we only have to book two more tickets for the girls under the disabled box which then means myself and Dave would get in free as their carers. It's very rare being disabled has perks but this is one of the few and so we booked tickets for both theme park and safari.

My job for today is to buy goodies for a picnic for us to take along with some goodies for Keisha and Jack to have at home.

Then my list of what I have to remember to take with us; blue badges, two wheelchairs, student card, picnic & blankets and most importantly of all ~ camera to take snaps to remember the day. I know the girls are particularly looking forward to seeing the monkeys and so with that in mind we have just taken our roof box off as apparently the monkeys have learnt how to open them and we wouldn't want something like this to happen to us (or any stowaways coming back with us!).

So, here's hoping for some good weather tomorrow and that the rain holds off until later in the afternoon. Have a great week all.

~ Blessed Be ~
x~X~x